Friday, May 29, 2009

How can you change another person?

Q: How can you change another person?
A: You cannot change another person, however there are things you can do to assist someone who has asked you to help them change. The techniques of motivational interviewing can help someone resolve their ambivalence, uncertainty, and indecision about change, set a new and clear direction, increase their commitment to change, help them plan the steps they need to take, and give them confidence to make the changes they have decided on. The book Motivational Interviewing, by William Miller and Stephen Rollnick describes the technique in detail.

If someone has decided to make a change in their life, they may invite or request your assistance. Certainly you can help them. Before acting to help another person change it is important to preserve their autonomy, help them act consistently with their values, and overcome their inevitable urges to indulge impulses. Consider the example of a friend who asks you to help them stop smoking. Begin by agreeing on your role—what it is they want you to do and don’t want you to do. Who announces their plan for quitting smoking? If you see them smoking, or smell smoke, or see cigarettes or ashes around their house, what do they want you do? If they beg you to “let them have just one cigarette today and that will be all for the week” how should you respond? Understand and do what they actually want, not what you think they want or what you want for them. You can always encourage them to change for the better, but avoid nagging, coercing, patronizing, indulging, enabling, extorting, or coercing them.

Keep in mind that pleasing someone may not be helping them. You can please someone by assisting them in satisfying an impulse. But you may be indulging them rather than helping them. To help someone you have to assist them in acting consistently with their values. That may be much more difficult. This is the distinction between short-term pleasure and long-term gratification. Understand this distinction, and how the person you are offering to help wants you to do handle this inevitable conflict.

You can provide incentives to help someone make a positive change in their lives. For example, parents may offer money to a student for getting good grades. But in planning this approach it is important to understand the distinction between intrinsic and extrinsic motivations. Use the money briefly only to focus on a goal of helping the student discover effective study habits and the intrinsic joys of learning, discovering, and achieving. These can provide life-long benefits. If instead the transaction degenerates into the narrow deal “no money, no work” then when the money stops, the studying stops, and the student has learned only greed, instrumental behavior, and dependency. The play stops when the pay stops.

Influence causes change. People are remarkably susceptible to influence. We buy the latest fashions, prefer Pepsi over Coke, listen to the music that is most cleverly promoted, submit to many forms of peer pressure, and go along with the crowd, even if that requires becoming the rebel. Influence—achieving belief—is a powerful approach to changing what people believe, think, and do. It is effective, nearly invisible, and ubiquitous. Some influences, for example choosing an excellent role model, are constructive. Many influences, such as the ones that cause you to start smoking because you think it will make you cool, are destructive. Pay attention to the influences in your life, and make decisions based on your own well thought-out core values, not on today’s fads.

You can describe how you would like the person to change, why you believe it would be beneficial, and ask them to change. Engage them in a dialogue about the benefits of the change. Perhaps they will agree with your thinking and grant your request.

How you treat another person certainly affects how they behave, and how they treat you. When you treat someone respectfully as an intelligent peer, they are likely to respond similarly to you. If you treat them disrespectfully, they are likely to retaliate in some way. Both parties participate in each relationship. Perhaps the best way to get someone to change is to change how you treat them.

Coercion changes immediate behavior but often at the cost of long term resentment and anxiety. It causes people to act out of fear, or to select from a smaller set of alternatives. Coercive threats, ranging from “share your candy with me or I won’t be your best friend” to “Give me your money or I’ll shoot” are fast acting and long lasting. But they still depend on the free will of the victim. Gandhi said “You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind.” People resent coercion, the vindictive passions run strong, they rarely ever forget, and they are passionate about revenge and retaliation. Coercion relies on fear and unleashes anger, hatred, and the destructive cycle of revenge. It is a short sighted expediency with long-term costs.

Because you cannot change another person, you may decide that the best way to move forward with your life is to disengage from theirs. If they don’t understand their freedom ends where yours begins then it may be best to keep them at a distance. They have no right to trespass on your privacy, time, space, or attention. The intent in disengaging is to protect yourself so you can move forward with your life. It is not to punish them, teach them a lesson, or to ensure they get what they deserve. It may be helpful to discuss with them your reasons for the separation.

It is always helpful to keep in mind what you can change and what you cannot. It helps to attain the wisdom to know the difference. Certainly you cannot change the past, human nature, personality, or the laws of mathematics and physics. You can only change another person if they truly want to change and have requested your help in making the change.

You Can Only Change Yourself

One of life’s hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself.

Some people spend inordinate amounts of time and energy upset, angry, or frustrated by other people’s thoughts and behaviors.

But to what end? You can rail against the rain or feel sanguine about the snow, but there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Why should we, by default, believe we can change another person’s — an independent, thinking self just like us — behaviors and thoughts with just a few choice words? If you think about it for a minute, it sounds kind of ridiculous.

Yet we don’t think about it when we have an emotional reaction to someone else’s behavior or words. We say things like, “How could they say such a thing!” or “How can anyone be so rude!?” or “Don’t they know how much they hurt me? Why do they do that?!”

We often react in this way because our emotions are a part of most people’s innate decision-making skills. We react and respond emotionally to emotional needs of our own, rather than in a logical, rational manner. So when someone touches one of these emotional needs, we can respond in a way that may not make a whole lot of sense to an outside observer.

What you can do, just once, is to make a polite request for another to stop the behavior that you find frustrating, annoying or disturbing. But that’s it, just once (or maybe twice, if you feel the person really didn’t hear or understand the initial request). After that, you just become a nag and will be ignored. Repeating something over and over again doesn’t suddenly make people more aware of themselves, it just makes them aware of how annoying you can be.

There’s no magic to stopping trying to change other people’s behavior. Catch your thoughts (by writing them down in a journal or blog, for instance) when you find yourself saying something like, “I wish she wouldn’t do..” or “I can’t believe he thinks that…” — things like that. Making a note of it, mental or otherwise, allows you to pause your automatic thinking before you jump to the next step in your response (which is usually to say something to the person).

If you’ve already said something, now’s the time to stop and go no further. Unless you’re the other person’s parent, they’ve probably already heard it and may have even tried stopping the behavior. Hearing it again isn’t going to suddenly change their behavior.

People can spend weeks, months and in some cases years in psychotherapy working on changing their thoughts or behaviors. That’s because such change often takes that long to understand, practice, and then implement. Behaviors most important to others are also likely behaviors that are important to ourselves and not readily changed, even if we wanted to. They sometimes are integrated part of another’s personality or way of thinking about and looking at the entire world.

So save yourself some frustration today and try to learn to stop trying to change others. Focus instead on changing your own faults and you may find yourself living a happier and more peaceful life.

Dr. John Grohol is the CEO and founder of Psych Central and has been writing about mental health and psychology issues online since 1992.

How Do You Change Yourself?

What Is Happiness?

If you are thinking about changing your life for the better, one way to start is by identifying your goals. You are probably hoping to find some version of happiness or emotional well-being. That might look like any combination of the following:

• A sense of freedom
• Self-esteem
• Self-confidence
• Happy to get up in the morning
• Working toward goals
• A sense of purpose in life
• Satisfying relationships

What Is Unhappiness?

If you are thinking about changing your life, you may be experiencing some combination of the following elements:

• Feeling sad, lethargic or depressed
• Feeling afraid
• Abusing or being addicted to alcohol or drugs
• Feeling lonely
• Anxiety
• Problems with relationships
• Not getting what you want in life; feeling frustrated in working toward goals
• Not caring enough to have goals

How Will You Change?

When you decide to change your life, try the following ideas.

1. Explore your feelings. Keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, work with a professional counselor.

2. Envision your future. Write in a journal, make a collage, do a guided visualization, talk to a friend or counselor, research the possibilities.

3. Explore wishes and dreams. Keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, work with a professional counselor.

4. Be open to new ideas. Take a class, travel, say yes to things you may have avoided in the past.

5. Look for kindred spirits. Avoid people who make you feel bad about yourself, seek out those who make you blossom, reach out to those with similar interests and dreams.

6. Try something different. Deliberately buy new items, try different brands, shop at different stores, do the opposite of what you usually do, see different movies, read different kinds of books and magazines.

7. Set goals and targets. Learn how to set useful goals, follow through, evaluate progress regularly, reward yourself for achievement.

8. Take one step at a time. Divide your goals into tiny pieces and do one small new thing each day, starting now.

9. Look for lessons. Remind yourself that experiences are not good or bad; they are simply lessons.

How to Overcome Your Resistance to Change

Have you ever noticed that when you think about changing your life, you feel resistant? Many people say that they not only feel resistant, but they actually do things to keep their lives familiar. They do things like start a diet and then eat a candy bar on the first day, or quit smoking and then sneak a puff.

There are some things you can do to make yourself less resistant. Here are six effective strategies:

1. Eliminate clutter. Clutter can be viewed as a sign of uncertainty. Accumulating "stuff" might be stopping you from committing to an important thing. If you keep a lot of half-started projects around, it makes it difficult to zero in on the really important things.

2. Start small. Thinking of your overall goal can be overwhelming. So manage your resistance by choosing one small part of it and attacking it today. Let's say your goal is to lose 20 pounds. That can certainly seem like an impossible thing to accomplish. It will seem more doable if you tell yourself, I'm going to lose five pounds by (date).

3. Disprove your disempowering beliefs. In Reinventing Your Life, authors Young and Klosko suggest that you identify the beliefs that keep you from succeeding. They offer a way to dispute those beliefs by asking, "Is there really an evidence today that this belief is true?" They suggest making a list of the evidence.

4. Remind yourself of all of your available options. You always have alternatives and the power to choose among them.

5. Take responsibility for what you want. Look for signs that you are blaming your situation on others or not admitting past mistakes. Acknowledge them and move on.

6. Visualize the future. Author Barbara Sher suggests one way to do this: Write an imaginary press release about yourself. The date is today's date, two years in the future. The press release is announcing the most extraordinary event you can think of. It doesn't matter whether this event seems only vaguely possible to you. The important thing is that it is exciting to imagine.

When to Seek Professional Help

Sometimes it makes sense to find a professional counselor to work with as you work through the change process. Here are some ways to know when that would be appropriate:

1. You've tried several things but you still have the problem.

2. You want to find a solution sooner rather than later.

3. You have thoughts of harming yourself or others.

4. You have symptoms of depression, anxiety, or another disorder that are significantly interfering with your daily functioning and the quality of your life. For example, you have lost time from work, your relationships have been harmed, your health is suffering. These are signs that you may need the help of a trained, licensed professional.

Garrett Coan, MSW, LCSW is Founder and Director of the Center for Creative Counseling, a team of expert and licensed therapists and coaches providing phone and internet counseling services to clients throughout the United States and worldwide. A full library of articles from this author are available at To arrange a no-obligation, complimentary consultation, call 1-877-95-UGROW (1-877-958-4769) or visit them on the Web at

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Garrett Coan - EzineArticles Expert Author

Sunday, May 03, 2009

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

* Habit 1: Be Proactive: Principles of Personal Choice
* Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind: Principles of Personal Vision
* Habit 3: Put First Things First: Principles of Integrity & Execution
* Habit 4: Think Win/Win: Principles of Mutual Benefit
* Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood: Principles of Mutual Understanding
* Habit 6: Synergize: Principles of Creative Cooperation
* Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw: Principles of Balanced Self-Renewal

The chapters are dedicated to each of the habits, which are represented by the following imperatives:

1. Habit 1: Covey emphasizes the original sense of the term "proactive" as coined by Victor Frankl. You can either be proactive or reactive when it comes to how you respond to certain things. When you are reactive, you blame other people and circumstances for obstacles or problems. Being proactive means taking responsibility for every aspect of your life. Initiative and taking action will then follow. Covey also argues that man is different from other animals in that he has self-consciousness. He has the ability to detach himself and observe his own self; think about his thoughts. He goes on to say how this attribute enables him: It gives him the power not to be affected by his circumstances. Covey talks about stimulus and response. Between stimulus and response, we have the power of free will to choose our response.
2. Habit 2: This chapter is about setting long-term goals based on "true north" principles. Covey recommends formulating a "Personal Mission Statement" to document one's perception of one's own vision in life. He sees visualization as an important tool to develop this. He also deals with organizational mission statements, which he claims to be more effective if developed and supported by all members of an organization rather than prescribed.
3. Habit 3: Covey describes a framework for prioritizing work that is aimed at long-term goals, at the expense of tasks that appear to be urgent, but are in fact less important. Delegation is presented as an important part of time management. Successful delegation, according to Covey, focuses on results and benchmarks that are to be agreed in advance, rather than on prescribing detailed work plans. Habit three is greatly expanded on in the follow on book First Things First.
4. Habit 4: An attitude whereby mutually beneficial solutions are sought that satisfy the needs of oneself as well as others, or, in the case of a conflict, both parties involved.
5. Habit 5: Covey warns that giving out advice before having empathetically understood a person and their situation will likely result in that advice being rejected. Thoroughly listening to another person's concerns instead of reading out your own autobiography is purported to increase the chance of establishing a working communication.
6. Habit 6: A way of working in teams. Apply effective problem solving. Apply collaborative decision making. Value differences. Build on divergent strengths. Leverage creative collaboration. Embrace and leverage innovation. It is put forth that when synergy is pursued as a habit, the result of the teamwork will exceed the sum of what each of the members could have achieved on their own. “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.”
7. Habit 7: Focuses on balanced self-renewal: Regain what Covey calls "production capability" by engaging in carefully selected recreational activities. Covey also emphasizes the need to sharpen the mind.

Habits of successful people

Habits of successful people….

1. They look for and find opportunities where others see nothing.

2. They find a lesson while others only see a problem.

3. They are solution focused.

4. They consciously and methodically create their own success, while others hope success will find them.

5. They are fearful like everyone else, but they are not controlled or limited by fear.

6. They ask the right questions - the ones which put them in a productive, creative, positive mindset and emotional state.

7. They rarely complain (waste of energy). All complaining does is put the complainer in a negative and unproductive state.

8. They don’t blame (what’s the point?). They take complete responsibility for their actions and outcomes (or lack thereof).

9. While they are not necessarily more talented than the majority, they always find a way to maximise their potential. They get more out of themselves. They use what they have more effectively.

10. They are busy, productive and proactive. While most are laying on the couch, planning, over-thinking, sitting on their hands and generally going around in circles, they are out there getting the job done.

11. They align themselves with like-minded people. They understand the importance of being part of a team. They create win-win relationships.

12. They are ambitious; they want amazing - and why shouldn’t they? They consciously choose to live their best life rather than spending it on auto-pilot.

13. They have clarity and certainty about what they want (and don’t want) for their life. They actually visualise and plan their best reality while others are merely spectators of life.

14. They innovate rather than imitate.

15. They don’t procrastinate and they don’t spend their life waiting for the ‘right time’.

16. They are life-long learners. They constantly work at educating themselves, either formally (academically), informally (watching, listening, asking, reading, student of life) or experientially (doing, trying)… or all three.

17. They are glass half full people - while still being practical and down-to-earth. They have an ability to find the good.

18. They consistently do what they need to do, irrespective of how they are feeling on a given day. They don’t spend their life stopping and starting.

19. They take calculated risks - financial, emotional, professional, psychological.

20. They deal with problems and challenges quickly and effectively, they don’t put their head in the sand. They face their challenges and use them to improve themselves.

21. They don’t believe in, or wait for fate, destiny, chance or luck to determine or shape their future. They believe in, and are committed to actively and consciously creating their own best life.

22. While many people are reactive, they are proactive. They take action before they have to.

23. They are more effective than most at managing their emotions. They feel like we all do but they are not slaves to their emotions.

24. They are good communicators and they consciously work at it.

25. They have a plan for their life and they work methodically at turning that plan into a reality. Their life is not a clumsy series of unplanned events and outcomes.

26. Their desire to be exceptional means that they typically do things that most won’t. They become exceptional by choice. We’re all faced with live-shaping decisions almost daily. Successful people make the decisions that most won’t and don’t.

27. While many people are pleasure junkies and avoid pain and discomfort at all costs, successful people understand the value and benefits of working through the tough stuff that most would avoid.

28. They have identified their core values (what is important to them) and they do their best to live a life which is reflective of those values.

29. They have balance. While they may be financially successful, they know that the terms money and success are not interchangeable. They understand that people who are successful on a financial level only, are not successful at all. Unfortunately we live in a society which teaches that money equals success. Like many other things, money is a tool. It’s certainly not a bad thing but ultimately, it’s just another resource. Unfortunately, too many people worship it.

30. They understand the importance of discipline and self-control. They are strong. They are happy to take the road less travelled.

31. They are secure. They do not derive their sense of worth of self from what they own, who they know, where they live or what they look like.

32. They are generous and kind. They take pleasure in helping others achieve.

33. They are humble and they are happy to admit mistakes and to apologise. They are confident in their ability, but not arrogant. They are happy to learn from others. They are happy to make others look good rather than seek their own personal glory.

34. They are adaptable and embrace change, while the majority are creatures of comfort and habit. They are comfortable with, and embrace, the new and the unfamiliar.

35. They keep themselves in shape physically, not to be mistaken with training for the Olympics or being obsessed with their body. They understand the importance of being physically well. They are not all about looks, they are more concerned with function and health. Their body is not who they are, it’s where they live.

36. They have a big engine. They work hard and are not lazy.

37. They are resilient. When most would throw in the towel, they’re just warming up.

38. They are open to, and more likely to act upon, feedback.

39. They don’t hang out with toxic people.

40. They don’t invest time or emotional energy into things which they have no control of.

41. They are happy to swim against the tide, to do what most won’t. They are not people pleasers and they don’t need constant approval.

42. They are more comfortable with their own company than most.

43. They set higher standards for themselves (a choice we can all make), which in turn produces greater commitment, more momentum, a better work ethic and of course, better results.

44. They don’t rationalise failure. While many are talking about their age, their sore back, their lack of time, their poor genetics, their ‘bad luck’, their nasty boss and their lack of opportunities (all good reasons to fail), they are finding a way to succeed despite all their challenges.

45. They have an off switch. They know how to relax, enjoy what they have in their life and to have fun.

46. Their career is not their identity, it’s their job. It’s not who they are, it’s what they do.

47. They are more interested in effective than they are in easy. While the majority look for the quickest, easiest way (the shortcut), they look for the course of action which will produce the best results over the long term.

48. They finish what they start. While so many spend their life starting things that they never finish, successful people get the job done - even when the excitement and the novelty have worn off. Even when it ain’t fun.

49. They are multi-dimensional, amazing, wonderful complex creatures (as we all are). They realise that not only are they physical and psychological beings, but emotional and spiritual creatures as well. They consciously work at being healthy and productive on all levels.

50. They practice what they preach. They don’t talk about the theory, they live the reality.

Millionaire mind

#1 Rich people beleive "I create my life." Poor people beleive "Life happens to me."
Money is extremely important in the areas in which it works, and extremely unimportant in the areas in which it doesnt.
When you are complaining, you become a living, breathing "crap magnet."
There is no such thing as a really rich victim!

#2 Rich people play the money game to win. Poor people play the money game to not lose.
If your goal is to be comfortable, chances are you'll never get rich. But if your goal is to be rich, chances are you'll end up mighty comfortable.

#3 Rich people are committed to being rich. Poor people want to be rich.
The number one reason most people dont get what they want is that they dont know what they want.
If you are not fully, totally, and truly committed to creating wealth, chances are you wont.
---> I want to be rich < I choose to be rich < I commit to be rich
---> Getting rich takes focus, beleif, courage, knowledge, expertise, 100% effort, a never-give-up attitude, rich mind-set.

#4 Rich people think big. Poor people think small.
The Law of Income: You will be paid in direct proportion to the value you deliver according to the market place.
---> Too many of us are not living up to our full potential, in terms of both our own lives and our contributions to others.

#5 Rich people focus on opportunities. Poor people focus on obstacles.

#6 Rich people admire other rich and successful people. Poor people resent rich and successful people.
"Bless that which you want." Huna philosophy

#7 Rich people associate with positive successful people. Poor people associate with negative or unsuccessful people.

#8 Rich people are willing to promote themselves and their value. Poor people think negatively about selling and promotion.
Leaders earn a heck of a lot more money than followers.

#9 Rich people are bigger than their problems. Poor people are smaller than their problems.
The secret of success is not to try to avoid or get rid of or shrink from your problems;
the secret is to grow yourself so that you are bigger than any problem.
If you have a big problem in your life, all that means is that you are being a small person!

#10 Rich people are excellent receivers. Poor people are poor receivers.
If you say you're worthy, you are. If you say you're not worthy, you're not. Either way you will live into your story.
"If a hundred-foot oak tree had the mind of a human, it would only grow to be ten feet tall"
For every giver there must be a receiver, and for every receiver there must be a giver.
Money will only make you more of what you already are.
How you do anything is how you do everything.

#11 Rich people choose to get paid based on results. Poor people choose to get paid based on time.
There is nothing wrong with getting a steady paychek, unless it interferes with your ability to earn what you're worth. There's the rub. It usually does.
Never have a ceiling on your income.

#12 Rich people think "both." Poor people thin "either/or."
Rich people beleive "You can have your cake and eat it too." Middle class people beleive "Cake is too rich, so I'll only have a little piece."
Poor people don't beleive they deserve cake, so they order a doughnut, focus on the hole, and wonder why they have "nothing."

#13 Rich people focus on their net worth. Poor people focus on their working income.
The true measure of wealth is net worth, not working income.
Where attention goes, energy flows and result show.

#14 Rich people manage their money well. Poor people mismanage their money well.
Untill you show you can handle what you've got, you wont get any more!
The habit of managing your money is more important than the amount.
Either you control the money, or it will control you.

#15 Rich people have their money work hard for them. Poor people work hard for their money.
Rich people see every dollar as a "seed" that can be planted to earn a hundred more dollars, which can then be replanted to earn a thousand more dollars.

#16 Rich people act in spite of fear. Poor people let fear stop them.
Action is the "bridge" between the inner world and the outer world.
A true warrior can "tame the cobra of fear.
It is not necessary to try to get rid of fear in order to succeed.
If you are willing to do only what's easy, life will be hard. But if you are willing to do what's hard, life will be easy.
The only time you are actually growing is when you are uncomfortable.
Practice acting inspite of fear, practice acting inspite of inconvenience, practice acting inspite of discomfort, practice acting even when you are not in mood.
Training and managing your own mind is the most important skill you could ever own, in terms of both happiness and success.

#17 Rich people constantly lean and grow. Poor people think they already know.
You can be right or you can be rich, but you cant be both.
Every master was once a disaster.
To get paid the best, you must be the best.

Why some people almost always are successful

Like everyone else I´ve spent some time thinking about why some people are so successful in life. And what factors in success that are under more personal control than others.

Successful people might be intelligent. Or have had a socially well connected upbringings. Or be naturally energetic and open and positive.

But a lot of the factors that make some people more successful at almost anything in life are very much under their control. And much can be improved in anyone’s life by learning from the people that have gone before us.

Here are some of the thoughts on success that I´ve come up with from reading/watching documentaries throughout the years about people such as Michael Jordan, Thomas Edison, Eleanor Roosevelt and Henry Ford. The following factors of success are just a few and I´m quite sure there are a lot more.

They make decisions and take action
Right or wrong action, they take it. Either way it’s always better than making no decisions and taking no action at all. As Franklin Roosevelt said:

“It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.”

They do things even when they don´t feel like it
I think this is a pretty huge factor. A lot of us back down when we don´t want to do something, even though it may eventually bring us to a wonderful experience or goal. Successful people may not always like doing some of the things they have to do. But they do them anyway. And in the longer run that makes all the difference.

They do the most productive thing right now
Instead of trapping themselves in doing productive but not so important tasks or projects they realise what’s most important and do that. And after they´re done with that they do what´s most important again. Instead of just doing a lot of things, they think and plan before they act and try to focus as much as possible of their thoughts and actions on those few very important things.

They do one thing at a time
Many of them don´t seem to multi-task. Some reasons for avoiding that may be that it creates internal confusion, wastes time and spreads the multi-tasker too thinly. Instead, they do one thing and focus on that until it is done. Then they do the next thing until it is done. Focusing 100% on one task at a time will get it done quicker and better.

They have a positive attitude
A negative attitude can be very damaging and limiting to one´s life. A positive one can open new doors every day. It can open your mind to new ideas and input and create or sustain great relationships. It helps you through the hard times as a successful person often sees an opportunity within what others would merely see as a problem.

Have a look at Take The Postivity Challenge for more thoughts and practical tips for creating a more positive attitude.

They have redefined failure
While a lot of people see failure as a way to rationalizing the feeling of wanting to giving up or as a sign that it´s actually time to do something else successful people tend to see it more as useful feedback. They may not like to fail, but they don´t fear it – or at least they have little fear of it - and they know that if they fail they´ve been there before and they can start over again and succeed. This is of course a very useful belief and keeps successful people going while the rest have already given up.

They don´t let fear hold them back
They overcome fear and slay that dragon whenever they face it. Or they may have defined or redefined reality so that fear is substantially decreased or even gone in some areas of their life.

Doing this enables you to take action on your thoughts. This pulls down the barriers in the mind and create new roads and opens up to whole new possibilities. Have a look at 5 Life-Changing Keys to Overcoming Your Fear for more on both slaying your dragons and redefining your reality to contain less fear.

They have found a purpose in life
They are internally driven rather than externally driven. They do what they have a burning desire to do rather than conforming to what others think they should do. Even if what the others think may be positive and successful stuff.

The Michael Jordans, the Edisons and the Stephen Kings have figured out what they want to do in life and are doing it (or did it).

The purpose, I think, is largely why they can keep on going and be motivated while others may tire or just go and do something else that they find more purposeful. The successes love their purpose and when they aligned with it then it seems to push them forward with enthusiasm and energy through life.

They don´t get distracted
When others get too caught up in everyday life to do what they really want to do the successes don´t. They can really focus on actually doing what´s important and what needs to be done. Again, this seems to go back to having a purpose and more clear sense of direction in life.

They value their time highly and plan it out well
A lot of people don´t value their time that much. Successful people have a purpose in life and therefore they do. They have so much they want and an inner urge to do it and therefore need to plan well to use their days effectively.

They´ve got awesome communication-skills
So very much of what we do in life has to do with other people. So it seems quite obvious that to be successful you´ll probably have to have good or great communication-skills (or hire someone that has such skills).

People skills is fortunately something anyone can improve and develop. Have a look at Do You Do these 10 Mistakes in a Conversation and How to Make a Great First Impression for some useful tips.

They have an open mind and are willing to learn
Successful people take the time to study and learn – and often seem to really like doing it - what is necessary to improve their skills. They are open to thoughts, suggestions, solutions, new information and change rather than thinking they already know everything, that there is not much more to learn and that everything should be as it has always been.

What to focus on?
Now, what factors are the most important ones, where should one focus the energy? I am currently focusing on improving my ability to take action, doing what I may not feel like doing and doing the most productive thing right now. To me it seems like these three factors are very important and since they are pretty interconnected they are easy to combine.

I think what you should focus on varies a lot. And it’s up to everyone to figure that out for themselves. But if you´re anything like me you probably already know what areas you need to work on.

Saturday, May 02, 2009


Here is the analysis:

1. You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.
2. You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
3. You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.
4. Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.
5. Your boyfriend thinks that you are a real doll but this is not a totally positive thing. Sometimes you can be a bit too sweet, and come across as being helpless. If you're like this too frequently, your boyfriend and other people are likely to get tired of you having to rely on them all the time.


Here is the analysis:

1. You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you.
2. You don't really care about other people's feelings. You do things the way you want and usually think only about yourself. You are easy-going and love to have fun, but you can be irresponsible as well. You are not keen on serious discussions because they can make you remember that life isn't always about parties.
3. You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.
4. Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?
5. Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.


Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.